In A Planet Far, Far Away…

There was once a place far, far away deep into the milkiness of the Milky Way galaxy. There was a planet dancing on the rings of the stars. The sun shone brightly everyday on this beautiful planet. The trees were lit with a bright green and yellow sun drops. The land was of a deep brown and filled with lush flora that swayed with the music of the birds. The sea was of a dark blue rich with fishes of all kinds. The wind blew in a breeze mixed with hot and cold molecules. The weather was just right ‘like living on Earth’ as one of the gods would say.

The inhabitants wore majestic robes that resembled the hues of the rainbow. The men and women were handsome and beautiful, the children were full of vigor and cheer. Everyone was in harmony with creation, their rhythmic movements chimed with the melody of the wind. There was food enough for everyone, no one was hungry. There was no pain and death, it was a land that time forgot. When it was time to pass, the lolo’s and the lola’s simply combined with the spirits of the trees and flowers. No one would notice they had left because they would be replaced by newborn babies every time. No one bothered to ask why, it was just the way things were like how white or black matches well with everything.

Everyone was assigned a task to follow. All the men were tasked to hunt for food, farm the land, take care of the animals, wash the dishes, wash the clothes, send the clothes to the dry cleaners, iron them afterwards, take the kids to school bring them home later, discipline the kids, look manly everytime the missus would arrive, and the list would go on and on, it took four rolls of toilet paper looking scrolls to get the list done. In short the man did everything.

On the other hand all the women took care of the kids and were assigned to look beautiful—which was a task in itself. The children were separated from the girls and the boys. The girls had everyday voice lessons so they can practice telling their future husbands what to do and tell them to tell them how beautiful they are all the time. The little boys had guided rough housing and lessons in poetry. They also had a few lessons in showing off in front of the mirror. An instructor would teach them the art of ‘showing off in front of a mirror.’ They would all suck in their bellies and flex their muscles in front of the mirror. The instructor would shout ‘I’m the handsomest man in the U-N-I-V-E-R-S-E!’ and all the little boys would say the same thing while looking in front of the mirror and flexing their muscles.

The skills of hunting and farming were engraved upon each boy like it was the very reason they had existed—which was actually true other than washing the dishes, washing the clothes, telling the missus she’s beautiful…Well you get the picture. Moving the story along, each boy was told that to act manly one should always pick a fight with another boy who was smaller than them or who had a funny green nose. All these rules and regulations were placed in a little blue handbook called “Book of Rules” a total lack of imagination on the part of its writers. Every family had this book under their pillows and over their heads.

No one bothered to ask why they were doing these things and why everyone was designated a task that was strictly followed like an ant’s training regiment under a VERY strict queen. They were just used to it since they’ve been following these rules for a long time. They were happy and satisfied with the way things were.

* * *

Then one day the gods were really mad, they were arguing in the skies up above. Well actually it was just between two of them but it was like a full scale war that involved the entire universe. They were married, which pretty much explains everything. Mr. god came home rather late into the night, he was out with his old friends playing bridge again. This was hard to do since they were all blind and no one knew how to read braille. They just went about chucking cards at each other till the opposing player raised a white flag and said surrender. Mrs. god was really mad as in M-A-D mad. She wanted to scream at him till his hair fell off and his face turn powder white, but she couldn’t because she was deaf-mute. The only thing you could see were the letters of what she wanted to say but this didn’t help either since Mr. god was blind in the first place. The letters were in all CAPS and had the colors of the rainbow. But you wouldn’t want to know what she was saying it wasn’t very nice it was something like this #@$#@%##@%(*&*^. It started with an ‘F’ and ended with an ‘R’ it sounded like father.

The neighbours Ms. Know-It-All and Mr. Disciplinarian got angry with the husband and wife saying that they don’t deserve to be in the village of the gods. They were always arguing they would say, but in fact all the gods quarelled who was to be worshipped the most by the people. The god with the most believers lived in the highest peak of Mt. Pridea and sat on a big throne that looked like a toilet bowl and had rolls of crepe paper wrapped around them as a robe. It didn’t matter to them that they looked like idiots it was the title and the bragging rights that came along with it was important to them.

Ms. Know-It-All and Mr. Disciplinarian planned to be rid of the blind and deaf-mute husband & wife. They concocted evil potions with the tiger skin rug and puppy dog tails. They took hairs from their nostrils, a door knob, a piece of raw meat which was redder than red, and a pair of teddy bear hands. After a few days they created a a little boy who was four feet tall and weighed sixty pounds. The little boy asked a lot of questions that completely annoyed the conspiring scoundrels. His big beady eyes darted words and questions before he finished asking the first one. When he opened his mouth the air molecules magically formed letters and words then turned into sentences that ran right to the ears of the listeners.

The duo of Ms. Know-It-All and Mr. Disciplinarian couldn’t wait to see the expression on Mr. and Mrs. god’s faces. They could all ready imagine the total anarchy this little boy would cause. If the whole universe were at war in their house, this boy would simply bombard them with so many questions that can eradicate all life forms except cockroaches of course.

One day the little boy was in his usual talkative mode, Mr. Disciplinarian wanted to teach him a lesson by throwing a rubber ball at him to shut him up. He threw the ball so hard when it missed it hit the wall and bounced back right at him and hit him clean on the nose. He screamed JESUS CHRIST! My nose uck, oh no! there’s blooddddd. Ms. Know-It-All suddenly had a light bulb turned on over her head. “That’s it!” she said triumphantly. “What? You found some ice?” Mr. Disciplinarian asked. “No! that’s what we’ll call him,” she said. “Call him ice?”

“We’ll call him — Bob!” she said with an evil glare in her eyes.

* * *

Bob was gagged and put in a basket right outside the gods’ place. The connivers rung the doorbell and scrammed as fast as their winged feet could take them. The little boy was such an eyesore in that basket one would get sore eyes just by looking at him. His arms stuck out the baby clothes he was wearing, his legs were far too big for the basket, and his blanket barely covered his midsection. Mr. god clumsily opened the door and looked for who was ringing, he tripped over the flinging feet of Bob and landed on his face on the lawn. Mrs. god rushed outside to berate her husband’s clumsiness but she saw little Bob struggling to break free from the gag and very small baby clothes. The inner mother in her took him in and left Mr. god outside. Mr. god had to climb through the window to get back in the house. Once Mrs. god took the gag out, Bob asked a lot of questions that disturbed the ever so quiet Mrs. god. Bob asked why she was dressed in an all white robe instead of a mix of blue and white which looked better. He the turned to the way the furniture was arranged before the words formed in Mrs. god’s mouth for an answer written in a thought bubble. He went to ask why they were always arguing but Mrs. god couldn’t say anything and Mr. god couldn’t show him why.

His questions frequently irritated the married couple because they couldn’t explain anything to him. One day when he was asleep they put him in a metal spaceship which they conveniently bought at a neabry spaceship dealer. It looked like an egg but it was silver plated and had rocket boosters. Even in his sleep little Bob still talked and asked questions, Mr. and Mrs. god were happy to be rid of him. They set the coordinates on the machine and watch it blast off with a big B-O-O-M. The red embers left an indelible mark on their skin that was toasted a golden brown because they stood too close to the launch.

* * *

The aircraft pierced through the Milky Way galaxy and made a detour through a traffic of meteors and stars. The spaceship made its usual stop at the corner blackhole so that the invading aliens can make a light speed trip to another dimension. It landed on the planet far, far away. It wasn’t much of a landing it looked like an egg falling head on splatting on the ground with the yolk spilling out only the red was left behind in outer space.

The inhabitants of the planet far, far away were startled to see a falling star which was different from their daily routine. They rushed head-on to where the star crashed and for no reason they were compelled to bring farm animals and gifts with them on their journey. A god appeared to them in an apparition and told them to bring a gag and lots of bottled water. The god said ‘YOU SHALT NEED THOU BOTTLED WATER AND GAGGGGG….’ And disappeared into the moonshine.

They arrived at the scene of the crash which conveniently happened near a stack of hay and a manger. The inhabitans of a planet far, far away stood aghast (more of a person who has to go the bathroom and hasn’t been there for two weeks) at what they saw. Little Bob finally awoke and the first thing he said was ‘does anybody have a bottled water?’ All of them reached out their hands and handed him a bottled water. They were amazed at how such a small boy could hold such command over them. They gave their gifts and offered their farm animals. The boy gave them a weird look like when a color blind man wears an orange shirt with green pants to a date. Everyone held their breath once the boy opened his mouth to say something.

“Who are you?” the boy said.

The inhabitants had a startled look on their face because they don’t know what a question was cause no one asked any. They wondered what that symbol meant (?) after they boy uttered those words.

“What are you doing here?” He said again. Before anyone reacted one of the inhabitants stuck the gag in his mouth to shut him up. A man with a grisly white beard, very typical of the wise man mold, said that it was written in the Book of Rules that a Bob would come from the heavens to ask a lot of questions and bother everyone’s brains off. So it was settled, since no one bothered to ask why it was written and because a man with a beard said so, they took Bob back to their village.

* * *

They knew Bob was different from them and Bob knew it too. Bob asked a lot of questions that the inhabitans of a planet far, far away never asked. He asked why men and women were separated and given specific tasks when both could just help each other out. He pestered the instructors on why little boys had to flex their muscles in front of the mirror and why they had to pick on the little fellas and people with green noses. He was often spotted helping the men in their chores and helping the women with the kids. He went back and forth between famrs and houses. He asked the men why they put up being pushed around and doing everything while the women sat at home and just looked pretty. He asked the women why they just stayed at home when they could help the men in their work and why they always had to put on too much make up that made them look REALLY OLD. He started asking why the old people suddenly disappeared and why know one bothered to even notice. “It must be really lonely dying alone…” Bob said. From then on, people didn’t want to die and feeling alone and left behind, they were very careful of being hurt and hurting others. Little Bob went from place to place carrying his huge head and beady eyes on his sixty pound frame. He looked like a flying egg that grew legs in its sleep while the wind carried him to his destination.

On top of being brutally annoying Little Bob was brutally honest. He told some of the women they had too much make up that they looked like they were going to be buried the next day. And told some of the men they were scrawny and looked like they weren’t eating. In plain english he said they were girly and on a side note this came from a boy who stood four feet tall and weighed sixty pounds. At first the inhabitants were dumbfounded by Bob’s different ways and totally honest comments they didn’t know what to think of it. The truth was so much harder to understand than when someone gave them compliments most of the time. He even questioned the authority of the white bearded man and why the man always followed the Book of Rules to the letter. He also badgered him about his eye-patch even if he wasn’t blind in the first place.

They were so used to following their old ways that Bob seemed foreign to them which was true in the first place but that’s besides the point. They couldn’t answer all his questions and sometimes they didn’t even understand the questions he was asking. Bob left them more confused than they were before he landed on their planet. They felt all sorts of emotions in them that weren’t there before. They didn’t even know what emotions were till Bob came along with all his questions.

The inhabitants of a planet far, far away got used to the questions and started asking questions themselves. They shared their work load amongst the women and the men and even the kids started helping. The old folks were taken cared of. Some of them were so happy the men started wearing girls’ clothes and some of the women started wearing men’s clothes. It seemed to them that all of their questions were finally answered and nothing new came about. The happiness of emotions and the new songs of the birds gave them life and color.

Then one day Bob stopped asking questions his usual annoying rants and raves disappeared. There were no more words dancing across his lips but he still had a smile on his face a kind of smile that would make granny do the swing. His silence bothered some of the inhabitants and the weird signs he put up near his house. One particular sign was (‘turn left to reach Bob’s house’) the inhabitants were left scratching their heads after looking at the sign. They asked Bob for an answer but all they got was silence and a weird smile that could bring back the dead. All questioned Bob about that sign outside his house except one. It was a fat man who couldn’t read or write and desperately needed to go to the bathroom he said he was going to drop a big one. No one bothered to tell him where because they thought he was crazy and he joked all the time. The fat man then sought out Bob for advice which was really strange since he only needed to go the bathroom. Then he saw the sign pointing to the right since he couldn’t read he just followed the sign and there he was in a bathroom! He relieved himself and thanked Bob, Bob gave him a smile and a pat on the fat man’s face.

* * *

The inhabitants of a planet far, far away got annoyed with Bob’s silence because they wanted answers from him. A lot of problems came once people started exchanging roles and multi-tasking. They started asking for raises and more free time, some people started to pretend to be women and others pretended to be men. The children started to rebel against their parents and the old people didn’t want to die without health insurance. All they got from Bob was another weird smile that could’ve put the living to their deaths and a sign which was (‘always look up’) . This infuriated the inhabitants cause it made them think. The bearded man with an eye-patch came and said it was written in the Book of Rules that Bob would be sent on vacation to somewhere sunny like California while being bombarded with a barrage of apple pies till it was time for him to come back again, the date that no one would ever know. The man with an eye-patch started to hand-out apple pies to each one, even little Bob was going around handing them like fruitcakes during Christmas, although no one liked fruitcakes anyway. The inhabitants just wanted to get rid of the apple pies quickly.

The apple pies were thrown in mid-air that blotted out the sky, Bob stretched out his hands and knew that this was meant to happen. The apple pies collided with the pavement and splattered all over the place making a huge mess that would piss of the street sweepers. The inhabitants looked for the body but couldn’t find it, they searched everywhere and ate all the apple pies but they couldn’t find Bob. Maybe he’s gone to California? A little boy asked. They looked at the Book of Rules to look for answers but upon turning the pages it was blank except for one page. The letters were written in all caps and in apple pie juice, it said: I’M STILL THERE BUT I’LL BE BACK SOON.

Each one looked at the message and all they could say was silence, this time no one asked any questions.

*END*