Dramatic situation from what I could get: The protagonist seems to be suffering the pain of heartbreak which he likens to Rizal’s immortalized heroic death in 1898 and which he can’t seem to move on from. The scene shifts to the subway where a gunman shoots a number of people (a not so heroic death after all since it is not 1898) and the “I” steps into the train but is unable to move forward (along with the train). The “I” momentarily remembers a scene from his childhood and when he returns to the train he finds that there is a You sitting next to him (the You who is probably the source of the I’s anguish). The I realizes that the pain is gone though when he steps out of the train he realizes he is dead and the You has killed him (“There was nothing left of I but You”)

The first thing you have to understand is that poems fundamentally work on a literal level. I had trouble trying to understand what was happening in the poem because there was the poem jumped a lot (from Rizal’s execution to the train to the childhood memory to the train again). Not only does the flow in the poem have to be coherent but the images themselves have to make sense as well. Take for instance the line “Gun loaded with footsteps”(I saw what you were trying to do though juxtaposing it over the execution scene) or the idea of memory walking down the stairs (maybe the I was remembering himself walking down the stairs) These things made it difficult for me to grasp what was actually happening in the poem (I’m not going to nitpick every line because I don’t want you to feel terrible or anything). I’m curious as to why you picked Rizal’s execution as being metaphorical to the persona’s situation. Is there a connection between the patriotic love for his country that Rizal died for and the romantic love and rejection of the persona aside from his death? It seems also a bit contrived that the persona could make the train stop and also have a gunman appear in his memory.

Please keep writing. Just because I had a lot of criticisms about the poem doesn’t mean I’m telling you to quit. Pratice makes perfect (along with criticism on the side). I suggest you read “A Poetry Handbook” by Mary Oliver which is helpful (there’s a copy in Rizal lib actually).

Half-light because the other half is, of course, dark.

(Of course, that’s just how I saw it. Forgive me for my lack of flair in constructive criticism. I don’t really know how to do it. xD Heehee.)